In this episode, recorded just before turn of the new year, we reflect on the year we have had and where we are now. Becky talks candidly about how a recent journey showed her how it feels to be a stone, which, no surprise to her, is her natural essence.
What does it feel like to be in one’s essence and not have to explain it away?
This episode meanders around endings and beginnings, how one can be the other.
If you’re interested in learning more about psychedelic research, check out the work being done at MAPS (Multidisciplinary Association For Psychedelic Studies). The Netflix movie Fantastic Fungi is also a great introduction to the power and intelligence of mushrooms.
And if you would like to learn more about Christina and Becky’s work outside of this podcast, check out our respective websites.
Episode Transcript
Christina: I am walking Paulo right now through the woods. You can hear my crunching feet on the ice ‘cause there’s this thin layer of ice over everything. And this is one of my favorite things to walk through. It almost feels like in the nighttime, the ground thawed and started to evaporate and rise up and coated all the branches of everything.
Sometimes it feels like ice falls, rain falls, and then freezes and coats everything. But this is almost like everything evaporated and lifted off of the ground and clung to the branches and froze there in this upward motion. It is so beautiful. It feels like I’m looking through an ice fog.
Becky: Welcome to Noticing: A Podcast About Nothing And Everything At The Same Time. We recorded this week’s episode towards the end of the year, and we were reflecting on what a year it’s been. So naturally our conversation tended towards endings and beginnings and how one can become the other. In this episode, we do talk about experiences with psychedelics, and as with everything in this podcast,
we’re sharing our own personal reflections, not to be taken as a recommendation or an endorsement. Everyone’s path is different. If you’re feeling curious about exploring psychedelics, please make sure to check in with your own inner wisdom, talk to your healthcare provider and understand the legal situation where you live.
All right, let’s jump in. I hope you enjoy.
Christina: Solstice just happened.
Becky: It did. Did you do anything for Solstice
Christina: Um, no. You know, people might think I’m one of those, like, put the jar of water under the moon kind of people and like bless things. I’m not yet. I don’t know if it’s like I might arrive there at one point in my life, but, um, yeah.
Right now I am aware of the tides and the moon and the things and all of those things. Um, but yeah, I do have friends who, you know, wrote intentions on shingles and burned them in a fire or I, I love that. Um, and at the same time, I’m coming off of the heels of a grandmother who passed on Thanksgiving and a husband who has had like.
The last three weeks be really difficult for his physical body. And so yesterday was just a reconnecting with each other and making Christmas magical and, um, going to bed at eight o’clock.
Becky: Amazing.
Christina: Yeah. So the solstice nourished me and us together in another way. Um, yeah. But I do, there is something so beautiful and magical about a day that has more darkness than, than light.
And, um, I appreciate the intention to celebrate that.
Becky: Yeah.
Christina: Did you guys do anything?
Becky: We, a little bit. Last year we did more. We did like, you know, made the altar and, you know. Mm-hmm. Um. But this year felt, we, we were trying to get it together to have a, a little party, but no one was really available. So it actually ended up feeling really sweet because, so we also just had the New Moon and I am kind of in a rhythm of working with the New Moon and Full Moon.
Mm-hmm. Um, I’ll do like a tarot reading for each of them and it’s just a nice, um, I like the cyclical rhythm. I really like that. And you get that with the tides and, you know, ‘cause I think all these rituals are just intended to connect us back to nature. Mm-hmm. So the more this year especially, I was like.
Oh, I could look up some rituals and it’s like, but whose tradition is that from? Does is, you know, and then not that there’s anything wrong with that. I definitely love learning about how other cultures, um, honor working with the seasons and working with the cycles of nature. Um, and I do love this. Uh, so for the solstice, you know, it’s the, the last darkest day.
So from here on in, the light starts to come in more and more.
Christina: Mm-hmm.
Becky: Um, so I do like this idea of seeding intentions knowing that the light is coming to help them grow. So I really just wrote intentions and then I buried them in the yard. Um, some people burned, some people bury. Yeah. I burned in the past, but burning to me feels like, um, it felt.
That’s like a washing away, you know, you’re like, when, when you’re releasing.
Christina: Yeah.
Becky: And I’ve done a ton, so much releasing. I was really called to planting seeds, so
Christina: it’s beautiful. Yeah. I love the idea of planting them ‘cause I’ve heard both. Um, yeah, I think that makes a lot of sense. And at the same time, I think as we’re talking about this, I also do these things every day.
Becky: Yeah.
Christina: So
Becky: that’s what I was thinking.
Christina: Yeah. Right. And like realizing why I don’t feel the need. Same thing with like New Year’s resolutions and stuff like that. These are things that are just as they flow through me all the time. Yeah. Um, yeah. But that’s really beautiful. Burying them is beautiful.
Becky: Yeah, it felt really good.
I mean, that’s my. Overarching message as we’re kind of slowing down the year.
Christina: Mm-hmm.
Becky: Maybe that’s something we could talk about is just kind of reflecting on this year. I mean, good lord.
Christina: Yeah. I love that. Let’s do that.
Becky: Okay. Um,
Christina: yeah.
Becky: Yeah. And it’s, it’s like a bunch of things coming together. I mean, we’re ending not till mid-February is the switch, but we’re ending the year of the snake and going into, is it the fire horse?
Christina: I don’t know.
Becky: I think it’s the fire horse. Anyway, again, we’re borrowing from other people’s traditions, so like how much meaning is it really?
But what I love about astrology and, and these other, um, frameworks that. I use to connect me more deeply to myself and to nature, the rhythm, natural rhythms of nature. Um, I love when they start to just, for me, they only have value if it resonates in me. And it’s like
Christina: Yeah.
Becky: Amplifying or agreeing with, or like, yeah, resonating with something I’m already feeling and I have been, so this year has been supposed to be all about like, shedding, you know, shedding like what old versions of you and Yeah, that’s definitely been what 20, 25 has been about.
Um, and then moving into this next year, I, independent of any other framework, have been feeling like. Really grounded in myself and excited for what the next year will hold. And then the astrology kind of mirrors that a little bit, which I think is just so cool.
Christina: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, even leading up and up to this recording, you and I were talking to each other about how in between recording and releasing usually is a span of about two weeks, right?
Becky: Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Christina: And in that time, we make such quantum leaps. I mean, talk about seeds, right? Yeah. You and I both had this inclination to just have these conversations frequently. Mm-hmm. Bi, bi monthly, no bi weekly, and the fruit that we have both. beared from these conversations is, uh, very big.
Becky: Yeah.
Christina: And heavy and profound.
And, um, I think for each of us just kind of earth shattering in the most beautiful way and mm-hmm. The rippling out that we’re both noticing in friends, um, and family members and community members is also really, really beautiful. Um, I mean, baseline, just having these very loving, open, vulnerable conversations.
I think I maybe take for granted that that’s something that I’m able to easily do, but I think a lot of people don’t, um, do that.
Becky: Yeah.
Christina: And maybe at the very least, hearing, um, an example of, of that. Nourishing and encouraging.
Becky: I hope so. I mean
Why don’t we have more open, vulnerable conversations? Like what gets in the way?
Christina: You talk about safety all the time.
Becky: Yeah. Yeah.
Christina: Probably that
or being so busy with material things that that actually doesn’t even occur to you.
Becky: Yeah.
Christina: Maybe.
Becky: Yeah.
Christina: I don’t know.
Becky: Yeah. Or you just never saw it. Yeah. You like you didn’t see it in your family and then Yeah. It’s hard.
Oh, so let’s talk about this year.
Christina: Yeah. This year
it began 12 months ago.
Becky: 12. 12 years ago. Did it begin 12 years ago?
Christina: It feels, I know, it feels so, um, yeah, for me. It feels like this year was a homecoming like no other. I feel like the purest version of Christina that I’ve ever felt. And you know, I’ve said this on here, I think too, but over the last couple of years I’ve just felt this persistent, sometimes nagging call for just slowing down even more. And I think that I’ve slowed down enough and then it’s still there. Like, please slow down even more. Please turn inward even more, please.
Um. Hear me, whoever me is, and I am answering and listening and like my bank account feels a little afraid of it. So that’s an interesting thing to hold at the same time. And I feel the most aligned in myself as I ever have. So there’s this great awakening and homecoming and sense of place in self that I feel that is amplified beyond a really beautiful place in self that was already there.
Becky: Yeah.
Christina: And, and I just, I just have to exercise my trust in the universe and life. That if I keep answering this call to slowness, um, that everything else will sort of fold in.
Becky: Yeah.
Christina: And um, I feel especially at the, at the end of this year on the heels of Mimi’s passing, I feel more connected to life itself and in the flow of things in an easeful way
than I ever have. And the way that it can ripple out from me into my friends and family members is something I’m actually noticing every day and is something I want to continue to expand on.
Yeah, and you know, Mimi passed away. So right now my kids are actually with my parents for a couple of days so that Andrew and I can make Christmas magic happen because it’s been, life has not offered us a lot of extra time to do that ahead of it. We’re, we’re not usually like last minute people, but this year that’s sort of how it fell and it was just because life is happening.
Mimi passed away and we had all of these, all of this ceremony and beautiful family togetherness time surrounding that. That was also right at Thanksgiving. And then, um. Andrew hurt himself at work and had a two week recovery. Literally like the day that we went to her funeral, he almost went to urgent care and um, instead we went there.
And then he had a rebound of, of recovering for a couple of weeks and then he had an emergency appendectomy the day after he went back to work. And it’s just been kind of like the one thing after the other, but it has not felt difficult. Mm. Like of course these things are difficult, but I was actually talking to Jack, um, on the way to bed the other night when he was falling asleep and he said, you know, mom, I think actually life has been really hard for our family recently.
Becky: Really?
Christina: And yeah. And I said, you know, I guess, yeah, I guess you’re right. What makes you say that? And he had gone to a friend’s house whose mom was aware of what was going on, and his friend. I was like, man, I’m really sorry. Like your great-grandmother just died and now your dad had to get an emergency surgery.
And what was so cool about it is that it hadn’t even occurred to Jack that that was difficult.
Becky: Mm.
Christina: So his friend had mentioned it and then he thought, oh wow. Yeah, actually, you’re right. That was a lot of things that were really hard. But he didn’t even feel that. And, and I said, you know, one thing that we know how to do in this house is when everything gets hard, all the other stuff that doesn’t matter fall away.
And there’s this baseline of incredible love that you feel that I feel. So when it’s really difficult, we just ground ourselves in that.
Becky: Mm-hmm.
Christina: And so you’re not actually feeling how hard it is. And at the same time, you know, we’re coloring pages on the floor when Mimi’s passing or as she passed. And I’m, I’m like actively crying, so I’m not trying to like, is it skirt away, shirt away?
What’s the phrase? Difficulty, whatever. I’m not trying to ignore it. I’m not trying to ignore it. I’m not trying to pretend like it isn’t. So then it doesn’t like get shoved down and turn into anger in my body. It’s just, whew, you know, this is hard. I’ll color this with you while I cry.
Watch out for that water droplet, you know? And, um, it’s just, that’s very alive in me at the end of this year. Is that, um, things have been hard?
Becky: Yeah,
Christina: things have been hard. Of course, on paper things have been very hard and there’s a lifted ness about it there.
Even the bank account thing, like all of it, it could all be really, really hard.
Becky: Yeah.
Christina: But I feel so true and so supported and so alive and so like the things that I know are the things that matter. And that’s the end of my 2025. That’s the energy I’m taking into the next year and the next moment and the next day.
All of it.
Becky: Yeah. Well, clearly you’ve been rubbing off, off on me all year. ‘cause I feel very similar. I mean, like I said, um, this year has been, the last couple of years for me have been about shedding. Absolutely. In, in, like with the New Moon, you kind of reflect on what have I released?
And then, you know, thinking about setting intentions and going into the, the next one, um, usually I am thinking so much about like, what gets in the way? What’s still getting in my way? What do I still need to change or release or, and I’m kind of come to this place where it just feels like enough.
I just feel like, sure, there’ll probably always be things to shed maybe, but I feel like I’ve shed a lot and, and I like, what else am I gonna find in the deep corners of my subconscious? Maybe I’ll find some other stuff to shed, but I’m feeling so excited about
just living in this presence, you know, and living in this feeling. I think the biggest gift of this that I gave myself this year through all the work, is a deep feeling of being in my body and knowing what that feels like and that that’s enough, and that that’s, and, the biggest shift happened after this journey. So I feel like I’d, I’m gonna talk about the journey. Um,
Christina: yeah. And I know about the journey. And I would also say for you, you had this whole year of, of, of these little beautiful moments where you felt, what you ended up feeling deeply
Becky: Yeah.
Christina: In the journey, you know, like when you came up to Maine, I remember you even telling me that you spent time feeling in your body the whole time when you were up here, and it was remarkable.
Becky: Yeah.
Christina: So I’ll, I’ll say that before you tell us about your journey.
Becky: Yeah. I mean, but you’re absolutely right. That’s why it’s, I think I used to have this, this idea in my mind of there was a threshold that I would pass, or like, if I do this thing, then I’ll be the version of me that I’ve always.
Dreamt of, or what I’ve been working towards or whatever. And I realized even that I realize even so much of my self discovery and my journey home to myself, um, there has been this other, this like sub current narrative of if we do this thing then we’ll be fixed. It’s still, there was just a tiny residue of that paradigm of I’m broken and I need to be fixed.
And I really think this year was about washing away the whatever was left of that residue. ‘cause it hasn’t been in my mind, you know, I, I consciously, like the first thing I would tell someone if I’m working with them is, you’re not broken. Like, let’s get out of that paradigm. So it’s been very rooted in my.
Mind and my consciousness for a long time, but now it’s like I really feel what that feels like. And so yeah, I did, I was feeling called to do a plant medicine journey, which I’ve done before. And you know, I’m not recommending, this is not a recommendation of anything, um, especially if you’re new, get a guide.
But, um, yeah, I was just feeling called to it. But what was interesting is in the past I have kind of let the visuals of the journey guide me and this time I just closed my eyes and I was just sitting so still for, I don’t know, I don’t even know how long and I felt in my body, the. Like the amplified feeling of what it feels like to be in my body.
And I felt the frequency of my body in this deep, profound way, and it was beautiful. I think what it, this, this journey gifted me was this very clear, very amplified feeling of valuing myself exactly as I am, um, and being like this body, this stillness that I carry in this body, is beautiful and profound and comes with all these gifts.
And so I think I’ve, I’ve spent so much time like looking for my gifts. But looking for them in the form of the gifts I’ve seen other people have. And this was just this exclamation mark on years worth of work showing me very viscerally in my body. Look, look at the, it’s like indescribable what I was shown, but the feeling was, um, look at the magnitudes of gifts that you have in this body as you, as everyone has, you know, but like, stop looking for the gifts of other people.
Look at the gifts that, that you have, that you were born with.
Christina: So. I’ve never done plant medicine, nor do I feel drawn to it. So I have a lot of questions.
Becky: Okay.
Christina: Can I ask them?
Becky: Of course. Yeah.
Christina: Okay. So when you say that you usually let the visuals guide you, can you elaborate on that?
Becky: Yes. Um, so with any kind of psychedelics, um, there is usually a visual aspect of it.
Some people can hear things, um, but things just look different. I’ve never seen like something appear that, that isn’t there. I’ve never seen anything like that. Maybe some people have. Um, but yeah, things just look different, um, and
Christina: like more vibrant.
Becky: More vibrant? Uh, it depends. It’s just not universal. I mean, one time I went on a journey and I like communicated with deeply with a tree, which is something that you do without, you know? Yeah. But it’s like, it’s like on the medicine, I know that tree is talking to me.
Christina: Right.
Becky: You know, I know we are in communion. It’s such a deep level.
Um, it’s all about set and setting is what they say. So like. What, is this the environment you’re in? Are you gonna feel safe? You know, um, yeah, I don’t wanna, I’m not the spokesperson for
Christina: No, no, no.
Becky: Yeah. For psychedelics. But, but in my experience, uh, yeah, things will feel more vibrant.
Things will catch my attention. So that’s what I mean by kind of letting the visuals guide me in the past. It’s like if something catches my attention and I’m drawn into it,
Christina: you follow?
Becky: I follow. And maybe there’s a message there. Um, yeah. And like, but it’s also, you know, feelings like, oh, maybe I wanna go outside and maybe I wanna feel the cold air.
Christina: Mm-hmm.
Becky: Um, yeah. But this time was all internal, so the visuals were. All with my eyes closed, so, I was sitting with my eyes closed. And a lot of times if you do, uh, like psychedelics in a medical setting, um, or if you go to a retreat, I haven’t been to one, but I think a, a lot of times that’s what you are doing.
They’ll close your, they’ll like put an eye mask on. Um, I know they do this in like clinical research when they study it. Um, so you’re like listening to music with your eyes closed. Um, and the visuals with my eyes closed were other worldly, like, it was like geometric shapes. I felt like I was going on a journey to other dimensions.
It was just, um, like nothing I’ve ever seen. And, and I’ve shared this with you before, that when I close my eyes to meditate, I don’t see anything.
Christina: Mm-hmm.
Becky: So this, and it was interesting because. I got the idea, uh, to do this because I share, as I shared with you, I was feeling a little bit of envy of like your visuals and like your connection beyond the veil.
Christina: Yeah.
Becky: And as I shared with you, not in like an icky, jealous way, but you know, like we’ve talked about before, of kind of following my envy. Like, oh, there’s something here. What is here? So I went into it with the, the intention of connecting with my own way to see beyond the veil, you know? Mm-hmm. Um, because even, even though I teach tools for intuition and I teach tools for that, you know, and I believe in it, and I have experimented with.
With it in my own life and have seen the benefits. But I think because it hasn’t been this strong visual mm-hmm. That I’ve had, I, maybe I’ve doubted myself or haven’t valued my own intuitive gifts. ‘cause my intuitive gifts are more like, uh, clear cognizant, which is just like a knowing. Mm-hmm. Which can be very frustrating ‘cause there’s no visual to point to, there’s no, like, I’m not hearing anything.
It’s, it’s like a feeling. So sometimes it’s hard to, uh, differentiate between a knowing and a thought.
Christina: Yeah,
Becky: I know now, but before it’s been more challenging. So I went in with that intention of like, wanting this connection and I got all these amazing visuals. And that wasn’t even the point. That wasn’t even the, the message that I was meant to receive.
It really was just this deep permission to just be. So the two messages were from my body. Just let us be, just let us be. And that message was to my mind. ‘cause the other message was, um, it’s so exhausting explaining ourselves all the time.
Christina: Mm-hmm.
Becky: And I felt in my body, the weight and the like, ugh. Why do, what do we need to explain?
You know, it’s, it’s years and years and years of feeling like I was wrong or broken, or not good enough that my mind had to come in and like, or thought it had to come in and protect me, protect something, protect this tenderness that I was shown. This sensitivity that I have, this deep feeling that I have that is my superpower.
Christina: Mm-hmm.
Becky: But because of all those like tribal parts of my brain worrying about belonging and worrying about fitting in, I’ve spent, it’s been spent most of my life trying to protect that, which means cover it up, which means explain it away, you know? And it was just like this undeniable, clear feeling in my body.
Like, just stop. Just be.
Christina: Yeah. And you described it to me as feeling like the frequency of Becky is the frequency of a stone.
Becky: Yeah. Yeah. So still, I just sat for, I don’t, it must have been over an hour. Must have been. Two or three hours. To be honest, I lost track of what is time. Um, but yeah, I found myself, it’s like my body disappeared.
It felt like resonance and like I shared with you, it felt like I’ve done a, some sensory deprivation tank and I didn’t, they’re not for me.
Christina: Mm-hmm.
Becky: But I know the feeling that you’re talking about and that’s what I experienced where your body kind of disappears a little bit and you lose track of like where your body is.
Mm-hmm. Is that your experience of it?
Christina: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Becky: Yeah. This is what this felt like.
Christina: Yeah. Yeah. My experience is like, my thoughts eventually stop because there’s nothing feeding them and then I lose ‘cause the water is the same temperature as the body. So eventually you’re in a floating, restful place long enough that then the edges of you and the edges of the 98.6 degree water blend, and it’s just you are one with it.
Um, yeah. That’s so great. So what, so that, so that happened like a week ago or something? Recently?
Becky: Last Sunday. Yeah, a week ago yesterday. Yeah.
Christina: Yeah. So that happened and that felt like a big exclamation point on your year.
Becky: Mm-hmm.
Christina: Yeah. And so what, like, how do you carry that forward? What is, how are you holding that in your waking non medicine journey experience and how are you integrating that into, into you walking Becky?
Becky: That’s a great question and that is the most important part, in my opinion, of any journey. Mm-hmm. Um, and I feel the same way about going on retreat. You know, it’s like you have these clarifying experiences that are outside of your normal waking days, but you can’t live in that space. Like you get a gift and then what do you do with that gift?
And it was very interesting ‘cause in the past, um, when I have journeyed before, there’s been kind of a grasping, like, I don’t want the experience to end. Like I do wanna live in that place. And I had, I didn’t have that at all this time. There was no grasping. Um, I felt like I was already in integration mode as the journey was ending.
Um, and the next day. I really tapped into the knowing that the stillness is really important. Hmm. Um, and even, ‘cause, you know, I’ve been meditating for 20 years, I’ve done different styles of meditation, um, and it’s all been profound. And, and I wouldn’t be here, I wouldn’t be who I am today without all of the meditations I’ve done.
But something shifted and it felt like the efforting is gone. And I’m so clear that all I need to do is sit. All I need to do is sit in stillness and my, and the mind creates ripples. Right. So it is about being with the mind and not controlling the mind, not trying to push it away. But, um, luckily I have.
This is already a muscle that I’ve strengthened. Yeah. Which is, you know, being with the busy mind and my mind’s not as busy as it used to be, but it’s, so my integration is okay. The next day I did an hour just sitting in stillness and it’s been hard to find in the hour every day. I don’t know if that’s sustainable.
Um, but I know I will never skip meditation day again, you know, and I’ll never skip it again. Even if I can only squeeze in five minutes, although I can always find a half hour.
Christina: Mm-hmm.
Becky: Really, and knowing how important it is.
Christina: Mm-hmm.
Becky: Um, so that’s a big integration piece. And it’s funny, I was, um. I was kind of being cheeky when I text you that I brokered a deal between my, my mind and my body.
Christina: Yeah.
Becky: But what’s interesting is when I did my new moon tarot reading, one of the cards I got, uh, so the spread that I do for New Moon reading, it has different six cards and six different positions. And one of the positions is, um, how do I bring to fruition my intentions and goals? And it was the card I pulled, the message was, um, uh, connection between head and heart, essentially.
Christina: Mm-hmm.
Becky: And so I was like, wow, I kind of said that in a kind of cheeky way, but it’s actually true. And that is what I need to do is, so the stillness is for the body. The body that frequency. Of this body that I am inhabiting in this life is like a stone. It’s so slow and I can honor this body by moving slower, you know?
And my mind is so fast. And so like just craves novelty and craves, um, something to think about, you know, something deep to think about. So the deal that I brokered is, okay, mind you, leave us alone when we’re sitting in stillness.
And mind when we’re not sitting in stillness, I will be more mindful of what I consume, so I will give you things to really chew on and really like, challenge you and keep you occupied and keep you happy.
Christina: Mm-hmm.
Becky: So that’s the deal that I brokered and that’s the practice. And so that’s the gift in my opinion of the medicine, is it kind of clears out everything so that you get this moment of clarity that you can, that can become an anchor so that when I am doing my daily practices that are never going to feel like that.
Right. And that’s not my expectation. It’s, I’m not trying to grasp at that feeling, but it’s like showing me this is why we’re doing it. You know?
Christina: Yeah.
Becky: That’s what the gift I was given on this journey. Mm-hmm.
Christina: And it’s really cool ‘cause to hear you talk about brokering this deal between your mind and your body, you aren’t judging any of it.
Mm-hmm. Like you’re literally just noticing. My mind works this way, my body works this way. It’s really cool for me to hear you speak about this and not try to like discount any of it or explain it away really like Yeah. You, um, or make it be that then this will happen once I do this for, you know, like this is the result I’m looking for.
It’s just like, nope. In order for you to recharge yourself, you actually need to be still for a really long time. Mm-hmm. Every day. And that is, that’s like the energy of a stone. They’re just out there
being very, very, um, calm and as they are and just still.
Becky: Mm-hmm.
Christina: And that’s really, that’s. All of the things that you’ve told me about when you’re in meditation too and how you know things and you know you’re at rest and you, you have these knowings even though you don’t have visuals, that also makes sense for a stone.
Like if I think about a stone meditating, it’s just being itself.
Becky: Yep. It’s true. And like anyone who’s ever been to my house will not be surprised because there are stones everywhere. Yeah. I like and it’s so interesting to start making those connections. Um, I mean, you’re, you’ve taught me this practice of really reflecting and looking backwards and not looking backwards for things to heal. Like there was a lot of looking backwards that, that I had to do to do some, some healing from, from the things that I wasn’t safe enough to feel when I, when it was happening. So there definitely was looking back and tending to, and healing that I needed to do. Um, and still like, it’s not like it’s a complete job, but you know, there was some, some real, uh, unearthing that needed to happen.
Um, and yeah, now I’m like so joyful, like seeing all of these little pieces of the puzzle that were there all along.
Christina: Yeah.
Becky: And I just didn’t recognize them or appreciate them or see them. So like, thinking back to when I was. Uh, young and we would go camping. The happiest I ever was was I would go off by myself and jump on the rocks.
There was these incredible rock scramble, um, at the place we used to go camping at, and I was just in heaven. And I love a rock. I love a rock. Of course, it’s resonance, right? Mm-hmm. This thing I’m resonating with or this being that I’m resonating with. But if we don’t appreciate our gifts, it’s so easy to not appreciate our own gifts in this culture that we have of not appreciating diversity and kind of,
Christina: yeah,
Becky: convincing us that we should be a cer a certain way.
So that, that’s what I mean about this gift of this journey, is it showed me the value of the stillness. In living in a fast-paced, busy world, um, it’s easy not to value that stillness.
Christina: Yep. Yeah. And it feels like for both of us right now, we’re both at a place where we, you, when you were just talking about you’ve learned from me to look back on your life and, and reflect not in a way of harping on things or wishing things were different necessarily, but just looking back and observing from a higher perspective all of these pieces that you can bring together to weave into one solid form that makes sense to you now.
Mm-hmm. I think we’re both at that place right now, and that’s leading you to realize that your frequency is that of a stone and to permit yourself to, to exist that way.
Becky: Mm-hmm.
Christina: Um, and I love to see that, and mine not surprisingly, relates to light and how that has always been the thing. ‘cause I can look back on my life and remember myself near a creek that was full of stones, but what I was actually observing and absorbing was the light moving across them.
And that is like the perfect symbol metaphor for you and, and me.
Becky: Yeah.
Christina: Right? Mm-hmm. Like, that’s us, that’s us in one together form out in nature. Um, because the more that I follow that, like lifelong, I’ve been learning how light moves in the world and, and I’ve just, I spend all of my time in the studio working with it and collaborating with it and making work that, um.
Talks to it and, and now I’m at this place where all of these experiences and the mysticism part is big. And that was like the missing link I think for me, because I had the lightness that was so profound and strong and a thread that went through all of Christina’s 39 years and then, and then this mysticism was the missing piece.
And that’s been the, the really big beautiful thread that’s connected all of the experiences. And there’s like, I get to, I have practiced noticing light move in the world and now I’m at this place where I am practicing. Or playing with noticing light move through people. And that is where I find myself now, and it’s this new, beautiful, um, what would be the word that I would use?
Like gift actually feels too small. Um, service would be the word. Probably blessing. Yeah. Yeah. It is a blessing. Yes. The most, um, essential definition of that word. That’s exactly what it is.
Becky: Mm-hmm.
Christina: Um, and, uh, beginning also.
Becky: Mm-hmm.
Christina: Yeah. So it’s still a little baby beginning. That’s as much as I feel ready to speak about it now.
But, um, it is such a simple pivot in language, noticing light move in the world, understanding what that, what it can do, how it can exist, where it can travel, and then noticing it in people. Wow. It’s like all of a sudden everything makes sense.
Becky: Mm-hmm.
Christina: Yeah.
Becky: It’s incredible to me how I think the most profound shifts in my life have felt.
Simple air, quote, simple. So
Christina: simple. Yes.
Becky: Yeah.
Christina: And obvious.
Becky: And obvious. Once you see it, it’s obvious. Yeah. Because we’re not. Like the journey isn’t to go outward and become a totally different person. It really is coming fully home to yourself. So of course it should feel obvious because you’ve been living with it, whatever it is your entire life.
We just forget, we go on this journey of forgetting.
Christina: Yeah.
Becky: So that we can have the joy of remembering.
Christina: It’s such a joy, isn’t it?
Becky: Yeah.
Christina: Because then you have these series of tiny little aha moments or, oh, I’m actually just going to acknowledge. It feels like acknowledgements, many acknowledgements. This has been my experience of this is just, okay, I am gonna finally acknowledge that thing that happened.
Or, um, yeah, acknowledgement has been a powerful word for me. And then, and then just, just the actual. Uh, embodied understanding of, of that bigger core that’s been patiently waiting for you to remember it
Becky: mm-hmm.
Christina: Your whole life.
Becky: Yeah.
Christina: And it’s a, it’s a relief.
Becky: Mm.
Christina: It’s felt like a relief to me.
Becky: Yeah.
Christina: Mm-hmm.
Becky: Relief. Um, so I identify with that, but I also wanna hear more like, what is it, what does that feel like?
Christina: Um, it feels a little bit like, um, I’m getting the image of like, someone knocking on your door and just being like, I’m not home. Eh, I’m not home. I’m really not home yet. Not home. Maybe you like, open it, I’m sorry, I’m, I’m actually not home.
And then all of a sudden you decide to open the door and invite this person in and it’s like, ugh. I’m so glad that you’re here.
Becky: Aw.
Christina: Do you know?
Becky: I love that. Yeah.
Well it was like the, I mean, it’s the way I was relating to that when you said relief leaf, um, I took it to mean like weight lifted, burden gone. Um, oh, that, that’s, I wanted to hear more of how you equated it. ‘cause for me, I equated it to, um, what I, what I was saying about this gift in this journey of like how exhausting it’s been to explain myself.
So that’s what, what came to mind when you said relief? Um, ‘cause it just felt like, oh my God, all this effort that we’ve been doing, or in your example. The effort to keep opening the door and, you know, um, yeah. I mean, it sounds like you are holding it slightly different differently. That, but that’s what came up for me when you said relief.
It’s like, oh, I don’t have to do all this protection. You know?
Christina: Yeah.
Becky: How much effort I’ve been spending my whole life trying to like, protect. So it’s in, in, if I were to put myself in your example with like someone coming to the door, it would be like, I would be the like the one like, Nope, you can’t come in.
Nope. You can’t come in. Yeah. You know, and then finally it’s like I let the person in and they just wanna go play with the, the little part of me that I’ve been protecting, quote unquote. Yeah. You know, and that part of me that I’ve been trying to protect. Is my greatest superpower.
Christina: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. The relief to me doesn’t come with difficulty.
Becky: I didn’t think it would, that’s why I was curious.
Christina: No, yeah.
Becky: To hear you say more of the relief.
Christina: Um,
yeah. No, it doesn’t come with difficulty, but it still feels like relief to me. Yeah. Because the whole, my whole life has, has felt wonderful and illuminated. And even in not receiving part of this core of myself, I, it hasn’t felt difficult. This just feels, um, complete.
Becky: Hmm.
Christina: And so there’s a relief in that completion.
Maybe
Becky: that makes sense. That totally makes sense. Yeah. Yeah.
Christina: Like, oh, oh, oh, oh. That was the thing that I was actually feeling missing, even though life was so amazing.
Becky: Yeah.
Christina: It’s like it gets even more amazing.
Becky: It’s like this, this like, mm, for lack of a better word, higher version of yourself or Yeah. Or bigger in time version of yourself having relief of like, yes, we got this, this piece.
Yeah. And who knows? There may be more pieces to come that I’m sure make you feel even more complete, and will it give you another sense of relief? So I get that. I get that.
Christina: Yep. Yeah. To use one more metaphor. Yeah. When I came out of Reiki that time, that first time when the whole room filled with light and I, I had the feeling of just like, oh man, the shoes that I’m supposed to fill are really big.
And I’ve actually only been filling a portion of them and now I feel like I’m filling most of the shoe, you know,
Becky: until you’re shown a bigger shoe.
Christina: I know the bigger shoe is just waiting for me. But I think, you know, you just, you take what you, you know what you can learn when you’re ready. And this feels, it does feel like a place of, um, really great understanding for me. Yeah. And it’s a beautiful, it’s a wonderful feeling.
Becky: I’m chuckling ‘cause the first time you said that. Uh, to me of you’re, you know, you’re only ready for what you’re ready for. I got so angry. I’m sorry. Not at you. Sorry. No, no, no. I told you this already, but, um, uh, it just made me chuckle in this moment of how angry I got.
‘cause I, yeah. You know, Gloria Steinem said, right, the truth will set you free, but first it’ll piss you off. And it’s true. I got so mad. But, but now I see it, and now it’s like, um, I’m so grateful for the gifts I have now. Mm-hmm. And that to me is touching this, IM this feeling of presence in a way that I, in a depth that I never have before.
I mean, there’ve been moments, but this has been, so, it’s been a week and I’ve felt,
I mean, it’s, it’s like someone poured me into my body. Hmm, and I’m filling up all the crevices and that feels incredible. Mm-hmm. Yeah. For someone who spent most of their life feeling like a disembodied head to like walk across the room and really feel my feet and really feel, you know, finding the pace where I feel like I, like here I am.
Christina: Yes.
Becky: Yeah. Yeah. Like that is just such a gift that it’s like a gift in and of itself, and if more comes wonderful, but
Christina: mm-hmm.
Becky: That is the gift and it’s so simple.
Christina: Mm-hmm. I love it.
Becky: Mm-hmm.
What a year.
Christina: Yeah. What a year. Beautiful.
The music was recorded live as a part of the Sound Service at 3S Art Space in Portsmouth, New Hampshire in January, 2025, where musicians responded to the changing light in the room that reflected and refracted through Christina’s suspended artwork. Andrew Halchak, the composer of this piece, is playing bass clarinet and Tomas Cruz and Katie Seiler are singing.
Becky: The ripples, Christina, the ripples. I just, I can’t describe the feeling that I have right now. I feel just like alive, I guess is my new favorite word. But as I’m like moving through my day, doing my errands, like interacting with people, I just feel like I’m bringing my aliveness and it’s rippling out in all these different places and I am so grateful and I just love it.
It’s life is so fucking cool.
